Decided to dump my MySpace account (the home of my original and short-lived blog) because it depressed me that I was now one of the trendy douches I so thoroughly despise. The whole concept seems so ensconced in narcissism that I can't believe that I lasted as long as I did. Already, I like this better: anonymous and faceless I can actually use this blog as a journal without the fear of someone seeing it and judging my feelings or opinions. Much more suited to my self-loathing.
So right to it then: I'm fairly certain I will always be alone. Not totally, but pretty sure. I'm feeling all the misunderstood-confused-detached-rage crap I usually feel when I am rejected. Which isn't all that often because I so rarely reach out and make the attempt of connecting with someone. I know the odds would be better the more I try but I have very few opportunities. The real burn is I really didn't even try. I was blown off in a really cavalier way just by trying to restart a conversation. This girl told me she didn't even remember what I said an hour before during a break from class. Admittedly, it was a rather one-sided caffeine-fueled conversation, an awkward one at that. Not that I realized that at the time. I was in a sort of light denial, trying not to acknowledge how bad I was doing. I think I misjudged many things about the situation, but the biggest mistake I made was thinking age wasn't a factor. It's ridiculous that I even tried to connect with this person with whom I had nothing in common. My interest was purely physical and I'll not make that mistake again...(sigh) yeah, I probably will.At least next time I'll shoot a little closer to my age. I'm just so out of practice, it's been years since I've been on a real date. My life, my mind has been so complicated I couldn't even think about getting close to someone for so long eventually I just gave up on the idea, sporadically attempting to make a connection and failing miserably each time. Someday I'll tell my story, about how I got to this point. But tonight I'm just too tired. I honestly don't care if someone reads this blog, it isn't for that, it's for me. If you find me and my life entertains or provides you with some comfort that there is someone out there who is as confused and disappointed with life as you are...welcome to the show.
